My word for 2018 is freedom. I’ve spent my life shackled by familial, societal and worst of all self imposed constraints. Like most, the conditioning started really early for me. I learned at a very young age that it was best to hide my needs in sacrifice of what would keep the peace. I was taught that pleasing others would get me what I needed; not emotionally or spiritually but mentally and physically. The pleasing ensured a sense of stability and safety that I so deeply longed for. Because of this, the time of being in child-like wonder was short lived. I know most would say that I lived a good life. I did. I always had shelter, food, clothing, a nice home…and what was thought of as love. Things that not every being on the planet has experienced…but I lived in mental, emotional and spiritual anguish. I stifled these feelings by gaining praise for my pleasing ways. I thrived / survived off the recognition of others. Never wanting to disappoint anyone else but always letting myself down. To make matters worse, the recognition only temporarily filled the void. I soon realized that the emptiness would take me over with a quickness. But, you see, I didn’t always feel empty. I didn’t always feel lost. But being exposed to mental and physical abuse shatters the soul of a child. It starts adding layers onto the emptiness. You then have so many layers that you forget the emptiness is there and begin sustaining yourself with false narratives. When those no longer work, which happens quickly, alcohol and drugs become a fine substitute. Not only are they substitutes, but it’s a way to fit in…a way to live. I mean could that be any more perfect? Numbing and fitting in wrapped into one gnarly ball of existence.
By spending my life pleasing and numbing, I had no idea who I was. I forgot so long ago, it happened before a time that I could even remember. These things built the highest and strongest walls around me. I created a prison that I didn’t know how to escape. I was surrounded by people who didn’t know me. Not only that, they didn’t know themselves so how could they help me escape my confines? But, fortunately for me, I was able to see glimpses of what could be. I felt it deep within my core. I knew there was more… but I had to find a way to escape. It became my mission many years ago. The journey for me was about progress..next steps. I became determined to remove all the layers of accumulated debris that weren’t mine. No longer would I be a slave to the expectations of my family. The expectations of society….and for fucks sake (finally) I decided to no longer confine myself due to fear or lack of awareness. I will never again keep myself down by playing small. I am free.
The interesting thing about this is that it doesn’t happen by chance. The wounding and abuse can go on like a spiral; generation after generation being destroyed. Unable to break the chains. Unable to live a life of purpose due to our souls being shattered into a million pieces. This is how family helps to perpetuate the prison. Then society plays its part with the invisible hand encouraging the destruction with numbing agents while pushing the idea of separation. Once we’re able to see this, we find that true freedom is always available to us, but we must step outside the paradigm. We must do the work. We must be the change. In this freedom can be seen. And once you get a glimpse, there is no turning back. <3 Jess #newparadigmmama